Updated: Jul 28, 2020
A story about loss and the rainbow after the storm as told by Brandi Walters to Infinite Focus Photography.....
Photos from Brandi's pregnancy and Jackson's arrival: Infinite Focus Photography
Trigger: miscarriage, loss
I met my husband when my daughter was a little over 2 years old. She turns 11 this year in November. We knew we wanted to grow our family together and we got pregnant in mid-late 2017. We waited until 12 weeks to announce our pregnancy as I typically have lots of bleeding early in pregnancy that is similar to a postpartum hemorrhage. I had an early miscarriage prior to this pregnancy so the early bleeding here was scary but expected.
We announced our pregnancy right before the 20 week mark and about two weeks later I went in for the anatomy scan. We were told everything was perfect!!! We were over the moon! We were so happy that we were growing our family and that it was another girl. We named her Everly Grace for everlasting grace. We started making plans, and Pinterest boards. We had chosen her name and started speaking it out loud. That joy lasted for a week and 2 days before my follow up appointment at my regular OB’s office.
I went alone because it was just a Doppler and a routine appointment after the in-depth anatomy scan at the high risk doctor. When they went in for the Doppler, they only heard silence. The doctor thought she was wiggling and couldn’t catch her to get a sound reading. She brought in the ultrasound machine and detected a motionless heart. I was shattered. And alone.
I walked out of that office with tears streaming down my cheeks trying to hold myself together. I never returned there.
I walked down the hall trying to shield my face. I work on that same floor so I was avoiding seeing people that I knew. I had to check myself into labor and delivery to try and deliver our sweet girl asleep. My husband and my mother in law met me in L&D and I was given medication to help begin the laboring process. It was a long, terrible, lonely, scary process. I was in “labor” with our Everly Grace for about 7 hrs total before she was born at 11:49pm.
That next year was hard. I tried to keep my mind busy by spending lots of time with my daughter or exercising but it was hard.
And then.... we found out we were pregnant again. I didn't feel ready. I was terrified but I made sure to find a new OBGYN who would help make sure this pregnancy was different. I had problems early on with the bleeding but she found a solution for me and it worked!!! After I reached 20 weeks with my son, I was able to breathe a little better. We had the same anatomy scan at the ROC. It’s always terrifying for me there. The memories are hard but I decided to try a different location where I could create different memories. I didn’t want to forget Everly, but I wanted to create something different for our new baby Jackson.
I bought a Doppler and used it every morning. If I didn’t feel him moving, I wanted to be able to find a heartbeat. I had him early (36 weeks) and up until my delivery day I used that Doppler. They don’t recommend doing that, but for me..... it was a constant peace of mind. The moment Jackson took his first breath, I felt a huge relief and my pain was finally a little easier to manage.
The rainbow after the storm as they say, is so so powerful. Mother’s have bodies that can do miraculous things. I never lost faith. I struggled many, many days but I never lost faith.
Our rainbow, Jackson Henry Walters is now one and I cannot believe it. We are STILL over the moon, just as we knew we one day would be.